Beginning to Heal Trauma & PTSD: Dealing with Authoritarian Abuse and Life Experiences
A Resource Guide for Self-Care: To Transform the World, Transform Yourself
Life is Traumatic
First, although most of what will be posted here is based on evidential science, it is also personal and written to be accessible to anyone. There will be no fancy citations, and I hope you will meet some wonderful people.
Some believe life is traumatic, and to be accepted, few learn how to cope with trauma, short or long experienced. I hope you will learn some helpful tips here.
Online and in my counseling as a minister and epigeneticist for the last few years, I have often heard, “I have PTSD.” As I am not a licensed therapist, I can’t diagnose you. But I believe many do now have PTSD due, especially our former president and the culture he created. And some may have, as Judith Herman suggested in her now classic book that changed my life, Trauma and Recovery.
She named CPTSD to apply to those who had been interned in the German Prison camps and had been traumatized repeatedly for years. Some use this today. And I have come across one specialist on the web. I have applied it to myself, and I can’t say if I have it, especially now. My life has improved dramatically. I’ve gotten out of an abusive marriage and made many personal inquiries into my childhood trauma. I have spent years helping others and myself find hope and methods of feeling better and knowing joy and purpose. And I have support, especially from experts, communities on the web, and neighbors.
There was a time when my covert narcissist ex-husband abandoned me after forty years of what I thought was a good, rarely intimate marriage. We will use the term narcissism here; I was homeless, living in motels, and having nightmares. After I finally flew to friends on the East Coast from CA, I wrote a blog post that many, especially veterans, appreciated. That was in 2016. We have much more available now. You can read that old post here: Insomnia, C/PTSD, and Nightmares: Heal Yourself.
Side note: as I was in grad school, I discovered I loved to research and would eventually work for a prominent geneticist, and I have trained many doctors in epigenetics. Though my boss did not recognize it, genetics had become epigenetics, which means we now know DNA, including trauma genes, are fluid and can change with the environment. I often say natural healing is finding a loving community and becoming a lifelong learner. I will say genes may become mutated/changed FROM trauma, and we can recover. An example might be any neurotransmitter (these mostly carry EMOTIONAL impulses), including behaviors like addiction. They can be mutated at birth or by life circumstances. Think of an addict healing. Although it isn’t possible, we could test DNA change before and after. It’s not possible to try, as DNA changes often. And the more we recover, the more regulated and possibly healed we become.
I believe we are all born inherently good and innocent. I suggest you think about that moment: no child arrives with a conscious agenda except bonding with Mom, something many do not receive, according to human psychology.
Even if we seem imperfect, like a friend who is a brilliant writer and was born with deadly cancer, as an adult, she calls her career one of being a patient. She has a marvelous family and home. With the genetic disorder I carry, many mothers spontaneously abort. I now know how to help prevent that with vitamins and lifestyle. So maybe I was meant to be here, and I bet you are too. And it took me years to recognize my value. Living with a family of belittling narcissists and then marrying one of the most severe forms has taken me time, and I continue now. That is the main topic here how to outgrow the trauma you have experienced.
Getting into the Nasty Stuff
There may be a thousand theories about how childhood abuse occurs. At this moment, I will mention two, I believe in authoritarian parenting, which was in favor after WW 2, and I feel our history and roots in Puritanism play a part. If you grew up a boomer, you may remember spanking or being hit. I sure do. That, except in extreme cases, is abuse.
We are now moving through, and I hope, out of an era of abuse by those in power who dominate, intentionally abuse, destroy and destroy, and vainly and narcissistically believe they know what we, the people need. They are anti-democratic. And as I hear a lot, many feel traumatized. Add to that a history of childhood or relationship abuse.
We each face survival challenges, our plates full, may have many physical symptoms, and feel fear and dissatisfaction with life. After reading this and trying some of the recommended practices, I hope you can come to a place of self-love and peace.
Many say, and some use it cruelly, that narcissism is overused. Even professional books like the DSM are unsure of what to do with this spectrum of mood disorders and developmental challenges. For a short but deep piece on Narcissus, the demigod, we use it as a shortcut for character and emotional disorders or socially abusive people.
I have a quick read on Medium: The Myth of Echo and Narcissus. Narcissus falls so in love with his own reflection that anyone who tries to love him dies. Echo becomes the echo we all know. We also have a beautiful spring blossom oddly named after him.
The following Bullet Points are from my mentor, Dr. Les Carter, who has many programs. I belong to Surviving Narcissism, which you can find on YouTube and whom I will mention soon. Dr. C and I have similar training and views, and I understand his points easily, as I hope you will. Join us. He is live on Wednesdays.
How to Spot a Narcissist
We are now moving through, and I hope, out of an era of abuse by those in power who dominate, intentionally abuse, destroy and destroy, and vainly and narcissistically believe they know what we, the people need. In other words, they project their wants and needs on you and the world. They are anti-democratic. And as I hear a lot, many feel traumatized and victimized. The victimizer almost always claims to be a victim.
The following Bullet Points are from my mentor, Dr. Les Carter, who has many programs. I belong to Surviving Narcissism, which you can find on YouTube. Dr. C and I have similar training and views, and I understand his points easily, as I hope you will.
Don’t be fooled by pleasant behavior in the good times.
Character is revealed in moments of duress or in conflict.
A narcissist’s beginning point of reference: entitlement
An extra measure of emotional neediness (narcissistic supply)
Inability to trust, which prompts the need to be in control
Narcissists hide insecurity and fears by attempting to be superior.
Self-absorption inhibits, significantly, the ability or willingness to show empathy.
Illogic reigns due to a high need to protect the False Self, accompanied by astonishingly low levels of self-awareness.
Empathy is almost entirely non-existent as self-protection is central.
Judgmental and critical in general, which sets up ongoing agitation.
Assumptions That Narcissists Maintain
Narcissists are notorious for double standards. “It’s reasonable for me to be angry, but your anger is intolerable.”
They genuinely see themselves as the only right person in the room.
Their needs, interpretations, and desires are valid. When you do not concur, it proves that you are a menace.
Your needs, interpretations, and desires are selfish. (projection)
You must tune into their preferences and prop up the narrative of their unique status.
They are unable to be steady without your compliance. (subconscious)
Your lack of conformity means you have to be taught a lesson.
Even when their anger is clearly inappropriate, it is your fault.
The Many Manifestations of Anger
Loud and abrasive
Rage, shouting, pushy, accusations and blame, coercive communication, harsh insults, becoming physical, blunt and insensitive opinions
Undertow of tension
Easily annoyed, impatience, frequent frustration, naturally critical, contrarian in conversations, lots of telling, unsolicited advice.
Passive aggressive
Proactively uncooperative, procrastination, evasiveness, punishing withdrawal, behind-your-back sabotage, saying what is expedient.
Contemptuous
Holding grudges, disdain, rejecting you with little provocation, ridicule, chronic disrespect, resentment
What Is Really at Issue with a Narcissist’s Anger?
The more pervasive the anger, the more profound the narcissist’s lack of trust in oneself. (“This is more than I can manage.”)
They have a lifelong lack of emotional competence. The personal dimension (internal steadiness) was never learned.
Narcissists are pretty codependent and want to draw you into their emotional dysregulation.
Chronic attempts to be superior are in direct proportion to hidden feelings of inferiority.
Shame and judgment have been drilled into the narcissist’s psyche. Putting shame onto you diverts them from facing it within themselves.
They are pervasively dishonest (not just with you, but toward oneself). In their Alternate Reality, if they say something is true, it is. No logic is necessary.
Your Challenge: Stay Independently Minded
You have options:
Suppress your own anger in fear.
Go head to head with the narcissist using openly aggressive anger and retaliatory tactics.
Become a passive-aggressive conniver
Seethe with bitterness and contempt.
Before choosing the better options, consider the consequences of these maladaptive possibilities:
Responses That Will Please The Narcissist:
Despite protests to the contrary, they really like it when you become agitated and unsteady.
When you go into the counter-control mode, they are thinking, “Game on!”
They feel “accurate” when you protest against their shameful messages.
Your attempts to justify and rationalize are an invitation to double down on their insults.
They desperately want you to blow or insult them…so they can play the Victim card.
When you cry or become overtly anxious, they think, ”I’m really powerful…Good!”
Assertiveness and Beyond: What comes to mind when you think of assertiveness?
Assertiveness means you stand up clearly (either in word or deed) for your worth, valid needs, and fundamental convictions…while maintaining a manner of decency and civility.
In assertiveness, you indicate that you believe in yourself with or without the narcissist’s approval. That is something that needs no justification.
If the narcissist responds poorly, it does not mean your assertiveness did not work. That would mean the narcissist remains in a bad mood. (Not your problem to solve.)
As you stand in your belief in your legitimacy, it positions you to move forward with what YOU deem reasonable.
Staying Focused with Inner Confidence
Calm confidence is not something you can muster only in moments of conflict and tension.
Develop a strong definition of your higher priorities: your worth, your dignity, and your loving kindness.
Translate those higher priorities into specific traits: goodness, reason, self-restraint, resolve, patience, self-trust, determination, etc.
Constantly remind yourself that you are not dealing with a rational person, meaning you will not take your cues from that individual. Also, you do not require their concurrence or blessing.
You are a victim of mistreatment, yet Victimization will not be central to your identity. There is more inside you than that.
It is not your job to get the narcissist to see the light.
Inconvenient Facts to Consider
It is a fact the narcissist thinks you are stupid…and you are becoming even more stupid every day.
Harmony with a narcissist is not likely, meaning the relationship will have to be very basic and functional only.
Narcissists have virtually no conception of love. That is their burden. Moreover, they either don’t see it or don’t care.
You will be disrespected.
Your mistakes will be held against you, and over time they will become greatly exaggerated in the narcissist’s mind.
You will be invalidated many times over.
You will never be accepted as you are. Narcissists are rejecting it because they need the power it affords them. It’s who they are, and it’s what they do.
The narcissist will misrepresent you to others.
Facts About You That Narcissists Can’t Appreciate
Your estimation of yourself does not rise or fall at the behest of the narcissist.
Your estimation of yourself does not rise or fall at the behest of the narcissist.
You are no one’s inferior and refuse to be pulled into the one-up game.
You have decent life skills that others will appreciate, even though the narcissist will say it is fake.
One Truth That a Narcissist Will Never Appreciate:
YOU ARE A FREE PERSON!
You belong inside no one’s fence.
The best way to find control is to minimize the effort to be in control.
One Truth That a Narcissist Will Never Appreciate:
Being Free
“I have no need to convince or plead my case.”
“I get to accept myself, pluses and minuses.”
“I will choose dignity, respect, and civility.”
“When the narcissist indicates I do not meet The Standard, my response is: It’s not my goal to meet your standard. I know that baffles you, but oh well.”
“I do what makes sense to me. That is sufficient. I am sufficient.”
Again it may seem wrong and paradoxical to name authoritarian/narcissistic qualities explicitly, and I have found it helps us clarify and choose how we want to live and to find peace in being ourselves, just as we are, seeing what fits our relationships.
Further Tips for Healing PTSD and Other Emotional Issues:
JOURNAL your feelings in reaction to this article. Try COLLAGE or any art form that helps you access your reactions. Create your story of a life you want to live.
LEARN to meditate. JOIN a faith or healthy civil community. TEAM HEALTHY is LIVE on Wednesdays with Dr. Carter at Surviving Narcissism on YouTube.
My favorite is Insight Timer App. It is millions worldwide and FREE. I use it in the morning and evening. It has almost all faiths, including agnostic, music, and talks. I met a man with colitis the other day and suggested he get the app. It was a risk, as I did not know, but they have a lot on it. There are a lot of live events. I have listened to a cello concert from the middle of a New England stream! Won wonderful teachers.
May PEACE come to all. Keep learning to love YOU FIRST.
Contact: Nancy Peden, D.D. I also offer counseling sessions and am very good with depression and PTSD, and dream manifestation. Text 831-236-6904, and please tell me your interests and the best time to call. I am on Mountain Time.